Sit.

I feel stretched. Like little parts of me are spread across too many areas and yet when I go home at the end of a working day, I sit. I sit on the sofa and mindlessly watch T.V. So I guess that means I do have the time, time to do the laundry, hoover and clean the house, but I can't. My energy is sapped, I have nothing left to give and so, I sit. Then the guilt sets in. Guilty that my home life is suffering while everything is getting done at work. Work gets all my energies, physical and emotional. When days are too much I come home and I sit. But I sit all day in my job and yet I still need rest. I eat for comfort but not to fuel me because I don't go anywhere once I come home. I can't remember what it felt like to run or walk or do vigorous exercise because all I can bring myself to do is sit. If I sit I can process the day, I can rest my weary head and let the worries and thoughts lift off my shoulders. Running will probably do that too they say, but instead I sit. I feel worn out, wrung out and left out. Left out of my own life, like a spectator on the side lines. There is so much I can be happy about but that seems like too much effort. If I could draw what is in my mind it would be a scribble, a smudge, a blur. And that is why I sit. Sometimes that is just enough at the weekend and I should be pleased that all I have done is get up, change and sit. Sometimes it is hard to do anything else. I think I sometimes laugh through the pain, the frustration, the annoyance. I laugh through it because it is just that, laughable. And then people think, oh she's fine, she is always laughing. But really if I showed my true reaction and said how I really feel (which I have once or twice) I am met with battles that I really cannot win. So it is easier to laugh, to make jokes about the ridiculousness of it all and move on. It is easier to sit. But then there are those days were the laughter doesn't work and that is when the tears come. There is only so many times that you can laugh at the same frustrating situation before it hurts. People's rudeness wears you down. Their arrogance wears you down. Trying to fight it wears you down. Until you are worn down and all that you can do is sit.